I got the phone call from Shelita at about 4:30am

Within moments, I was wide awake, and had bought my ticket for a 6:30am flight.  I searched frantically throughout the house for everything I’d need for my trip.   “Where is my phone?  Where the heck is my cell phone!!!,”  I murmured to myself as I paced around trying to locate the same phone I’d just answered.  I thought to myself, “Already…I am losing my mind!”  I finally found my phone, and was able to call a friend for a ride to the airport.

When I got to the airport, my heart and mind were racing.  Nothing would get in my way of doing everything possible to make it to the hospital for the birth of my first child. When I boarded the plane and sat down, my sense of complete hurriedness was brought to a discouraging halt when the pilot casually stood in front of everyone onboard and stated, “Unfortunately, some fuel spilled out underneath the plane overnight, and before we take off, we’re going to need to run some tests on the engines.”

My heart sank.

When we finally did make it in the air, the seemingly constant turbulence didn’t help my concern about the leaky fuel or the need to test the plane’s engines.   As we began our descent towards Boston’s Logan Airport, my eyes began to tear up.  I’d psyched myself into being at peace, but within moments, I’d learn whether or not my wife and my son (who I figured was born while I was in flight) were ok.  As I sat there in my seat looking out the window in an attempt to hide my teary-eyed face from fellow passengers who didn’t know my circumstances, the pilot came back on the PA system and addressed everyone saying, “I apologize for the turbulent ride, but that’s just the hand we were dealt.”

Indeed.

If you’ve ever experienced inconvenient or painful turbulence which interrupted your very hopeful expectations, please read on.  This story is for you.  I share with you in order to encourage and inspire you to see and appreciate the good in the bad…to perceive and appreciate God’s grace in the midst of surprising and sometimes agonizing turbulence.   Highlighted are 5 special ways that God’s grace stood out to us in the birth of our son.  Although it was turbulent and scary at times, God’s grace was visible throughout!   And, His best is yet to come!

POINT OF GRACE #1:  THE WARNING

Back in August, a little over 4 months into our pregnancy, Shelita’s doctor called her, and asked her to come in for a quick follow up appointment since there was concern about some of her lab results and since her blood pressure was a little higher than preferred in a recent test.  Her doctor said she wanted to make sure Shelita didn’t have a condition called pre-eclampsia.  Upon hearing this, Shelita googled pre-eclampsia, then called me in tears.  What she read mentioned the symptoms of pre-eclampsia (high blood pressure & protein in the urine), the cause of pre-eclampsia (the internal organs do not react well to the presence of the placenta), and the effects of pre-eclampsia (it is the most common of the dangerous pregnancy complications; it could be fatal for both the mother and the unborn child). The only known cure is early delivery.

At the time, we were a little offset by the fact that her doctor had dropped that term on us, since no official diagnosis had been made yet.  We prayed.  When Shelita went for follow up tests, her tests came back normal.  We exhaled…and thanked God!  That month, we stopped by pharmacies every now and then, and monitored her blood pressure.  Her blood pressure was normal every time.   Except for this “hiccup”, leading up to November, Shelita’s pregnancy was completely smooth and easy. No morning sickness, mood swings, or discomfort.   For a long time, it didn’t even hit us that she was actually pregnant.   Nonetheless, pre-eclampsia was a condition we were now very aware of.

Our weekend trip to Boston in late October was supposed to be our last bit of travel before having the baby in January.  There really were no concerns about traveling with Shelita 6 ½  months pregnant.  We had full clearance from her doctor to make the trip.

I grew up in Boston, and I hadn’t seen my family and friends there in a year and a half.  So, I needed to see them.  Plus, I figured once we had the baby, it might be a while before we actually get up there.

The day before we left for Boston, Shelita’s feet were a little swollen.  We did some research and found that this is normal for pregnancy.   We kept an eye on it, raised her feet on occasion, and spent several  days in Boston visiting family and friends.  On the last night we were supposed to be there (we had an early morning flight back to Virginia the next day), we noticed that Shelita’s feet were more swollen than usual. Thinking back upon the pre-eclampsia scare, we figured we’d check her blood pressure.   If we had not been warned about it months before, it’s very doubtful we would have checked her pressure that night.

Looking back, God used a concern from a doctor to give us something to look out for. The same blunt warning that gave us some distress earlier turned out to be a life-saver.

POINT OF GRACE #2:  THE PROVISION

I don’t know how many people you know who own a blood pressure monitoring kit, but I can’t think of any off the top of my head…except for my mother.  It’s very likely that if we weren’t staying at my mother’s that weekend, and if my mother didn’t own a blood pressure monitoring kit, we would not have checked Shelita’s blood pressure for several days. Who knows what might have happened!  There really was no rush on our part to check her pressure.  She felt and looked fine.

My mother knew about our prior incident, and was involved in our conversations about how to treat Shelita’s swollen feet.  She volunteered to let us use her blood pressure monitoring kit, just to be safe.

In a span of minutes, Shelita took her blood pressure about 5 times.  She shared with me the results (they were high and seemed to increase each time).  Shelita grew more concerned after each test.   She doesn’t have chronic hypertension, so it wasn’t that.  I tried the kit on myself…just to make sure it was accurate.  My levels were normal.  On Shelita’s final test, she broke down.  Her pressure was sky high. We called her doctor, who told us to drive immediately to Brigham & Women’s Hospital.

POINT OF GRACE #3:  ARGUABLY THE BEST POSSIBLE HOSPITAL

I remember thinking on the way to the hospital, “This is scary, but I pray it won’t be so bad.  They’ll probably give her some medication to stabilize her blood pressure.  They might keep her overnight for observation.  It won’t be that bad.”

When we arrived at the hospital, Shelita’s high blood pressure quickly captured the attention of the nurses  and doctors.  Later that night, at 29 weeks pregnant, she was diagnosed with severe pre-eclampsia.  Not only was her blood pressure sky high, but her lab results indicated that she was more than 10x positive for pre-eclampsia. Doctors gently shared with us that night that in order to protect Shelita, they would need to deliver our son anytime from within the next 48 hours to the next 5 weeks since delivery is the only known cure to pre-eclampsia.   Additionally, she would be on full bedrest there in the hospital, in Boston until delivery.  Essentially, they would try to keep her pregnant as long as her internal chemistry and organs would permit.

This was devastating news to receive, especially for Shelita. After all, she felt fine and besides swollen feet, looked fine.  We prayed, asked friends to pray, and chose to not let fear of the worst to dwell in our minds.  With every negative or concerning report that came from the doctors, we hit the “refresh” button on our faith, and did our best to remain hopeful and confident for the best, and free from fear.

Over the next couple days, we naturally pondered what might have happened if we hadn’t gone to the hospital that night. What if Shelita would have gone back to work the next day, and checked her pressure at her doctor appointment later that week?  Would we have been ok?   Doctors kept reinforcing to us just how “lucky” we were to catch this when we did.  But, why did God allow this to happen in Boston, far from our home in Virginia?  While Boston is where I grew up, it’s not home for Shelita.   Why did all this happen there???

I’m not sure why God lets us go through what we go through, but I believe that in this case, God allowed us to go through everything we went through for several reasons:

1)      To build character in us

2)      To show forth His grace

3)      To give us a fresh testimony of His grace that we can share with the world

In the Apostle Paul’s 1^st letter to the Church in Corinth, he writes (1 Cor. 10:13), “God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able.” In other words, God won’t put more on you than you can bear.

Throughout this experience, we were certainly tempted to give up our confidence, our joy, our peace, etc.   But, God didn’t put more on us than we could bear, and His Spirit was at work within us! It was all Him!

It became evident to us while we were at Brigham & Women’s Hospital, that God had gone before us in placing us there. We heard from nurses & doctors throughout our stay that all this couldn’t have happened at a better place. When we did our research, our findings were consistent with their statements.  Brigham’s is one of the best hospitals in the world, is directly linked with Harvard Medical School, has doctors actively researching pre-eclampsia, and is arguably the best in the country for pre-term child births.  Additionally, its Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) is top grade.  Our experience there was agreeable to its high rankings.  First class in every way!

POINT OF GRACE #4:  THE FAVOR

For those of you who don’t know, I work as a software sales rep for Oracle Corporation.   I work from an office in Reston, VA.  When Shelita and I learned that she would be on bedrest in Boston until childbirth, it posed an enormous logistical challenge for us.  Even after childbirth, Zion would need to remain in a NICU for many weeks, possibly up to, or post his full term due date… which was mid-January!   We were admitted to Brigham’s on October 31^st!

By God’s grace, Oracle has a hub right outside Boston.  Additionally my supervisors were gracious enough to allow me to work from there as long as necessary!

I can’t imagine what my life or work situation would look like right now if I didn’t have that kind of flexibility.

POINT OF GRACE #5:  THE FRIENDS & FAMILY

I wrap up our story with special acknowledgement of God’s grace to us through you, our friends and family.  So many of you have offered us your support in so many thoughtful & loving ways. Challenging occasions like these draw us closer together (even if we are physically far apart).  We’re grateful for the bonds which are strengthened and are being strengthened.   We love you much!

As you may know, Zion Philippe Saint-Louis was born on Friday, November 5^th, 2010, 2 ½ months premature, and just 5 days after we took Shelita into the hospital for high blood pressure.   In the 2 days before he was born, Shelita had stabilized enough for us to think she’d at least make it through the weekend.  Her mother had flown in to be with her, and per Shelita’s request I’d flown back to Virginia to take care of some things at work and the house, and in order to drive my car up to Boston that weekend.   I never made that drive.  Instead I got a call at 4:30am from Shelita telling me to catch the next flight and that they were about to deliver our son.

When I arrived at the hospital, Shelita, her mother, and my mother were in the room looking very relaxed.  I learned on my way to the hospital that Zion had been born, and that everything was generally ok, but I didn’t ask for details until I got in the room.  I greeted everyone, and broke down.  All was well.

Later on, we learned just how much of a hit her body took from the pre-eclampsia. She was administered an emergency c-section that morning because of pulmonary edema (her lungs were filling up with fluid).  Her kidneys took a notable hit.  She nearly required a blood transfusion.  The placenta which protected Zion was intact, but noticeably comprised.  She likely would have suffered a stroke and possibly worse had we not caught this.  She was a walking time bomb, and didn’t even know it.

Three weeks later, as I write this, Shelita appears nearly fully healed from the effects of the pre-eclampsia, and is recovering well from the c-section.  Zion is also doing very well. All the doctors and nurses are impressed by his progress and consider him a “champion” and “model citizen” there in the NICU.

I like to call this experience one of “Shock and Aww”. Not Shock and Awe.  Shock and Aww.

“Shock” as in, “Severe pre-eclampsia???   Bedrest???   Now???  In Boston???  Delivering our son in the next 48hrs – 5 weeks??? ”  And, “Aww” as in, “Aww…is not Zion the most adorable child you’ve ever seen!!!”

I also remember the words of that pilot: “I apologize for the turbulent ride, but that’s just the hand we were dealt.”

I can’t help but think, “There was another hand at work here!  God’s hand!!!”

May God give you grace in your moments of turbulence.  May you recognize His graces and show them forth.

Live the Life.

Reflection

In 2 Corinthians 3:18, Paul writes , “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

The veil that Paul is referring to here is the one Moses wore for the Israelites’ sake, in order to cover the osmotic glow of God’s radiant glory upon his face.  Moses, you may remember, spent 40 consecutive days and nights with God atop Mt. Sinai (Exodus 34).  When he descended with the ten commandments, the Israelites were afraid to approach him because the light which radiated from his face was so overwhelming.  So, after sharing the ten commandments, Moses wore a veil for their sake.  When Moses would go back into God’s presence to talk to God, he always removed his veil.   

My challenge to us: 

How many of us have the veil lifted, and get intimate with God?  We can be transformed into his likeness with year after year, month after month, day after day, ever-increasing glory!  Where does such transformation come from?  It comes from the Lord, who is not dead, who is not dry, who is not weak, but who is the Spirit! 

May this new year of 2010, be a year of pivotal transformation for you!  If you know Jesus as Lord, may you go before Him with full understanding of your status as the “unveiled”.  If you don’t know Jesus as Lord, may you get to know Him as Lord.  May you be as clay in God, the Potter’s hands.  May you be transformed into His likeness like never before.  May God’s light be reflected from you like never before.  Make that transformation! 

Your greatest battle is not to transform yourself.  God takes care of that.  Your greatest battle is to know and walk in who you are.  You are the “unveiled”.  Let nothing deter you.  Let nothing discourage you.  Let the past be the past.  Let the dead bury the dead. 

Stand strong and secure, man or woman of God.  Don’t put the veil back on.  Leave it off.  Let Jesus be Lord.  Let Him lead you.  

When I was a child, my mother used to tell me, “Go to your room and STAY in there!”  May we go into God’s presence and STAY in there! 

Just some reflections…

Live the life.

This verse begs the question, “What did Jesus mean when he spoke of hunger and thirst?”

As I peered at this verse in its original Greek language, I learned that this Greek word for “hunger” is the word “peina”.  Peina means to crave and hunger as if you are famished.  In this scripture, the same degree of emphasis can also be applied to thirst.

Have you ever met or seen someone who lived in real hunger?  I’m not talking about someone who missed a meal, but was able to stuff themselves and make up for it at dinner.  I’m talking about someone who is starving all of the time, day after day, week after week, month after month, for as long as you can imagine.  I’m talking about the portions they consume being nil compared to what would fill them.   Some of us may have visited places where people live in real hunger, or seen pictures of people who live in real hunger, but for most of us hunger is a temporary feeling, not a state of life.

As I reflect upon Matthew 5:6, I can’t help but ask, “How can I stay hungry and thirsty for God?“

As I studied this verse, I couldn’t help but note the importance of the word “blessed” being at the beginning of the sentence and being closely placed to “hunger” and “thirst”.  In other words, you are not just blessed after you are filled.  You are blessed when you are hungry and thirsty for righteousness.  In other words,  when you are in a state of hunger and thirst for RIGHTEOUSNESS, you are blessed!  And, not only are you blessed, but you SHALL BE FILLED!

But here’s the challenge.  When most of us are filled, we’re no longer hungry.  I don’t know about you, but when I eat a good 5-course meal and am stuffed, I don’t want or need another bite to eat.  The challenge in the spiritual realm is to stay hungry & thirsty for righteousness.  God wants us to dwell in hunger and thirst for Him.

I want to encourage you to go deeper.  I want to encourage you to hunger and thirst for more of Jesus even when you feel as though you are full. Put away the distractions.  Most of us stop hungering and thirsting when we get full, but the reality is we leak.  The power of the Spirit trickles out.  So, I encourage you – even though you’ve completed your checklist, even though you’ve gone to church on Sunday, even though you’ve read your Bible, and have prayed your prayers – I encourage you to hunger and thirst for righteousness.  I encourage you to go deeper.  Run that extra mile.  Reach that new level.  Be fully yielded to Christ.  God will meet you when you press in and hunger and thirst after Him.

Live the life.

I fully understand that we are a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17), and I agree that we are to disassociate ourselves from our sinful nature (Gal. 2:20), but are we to deny the fact that this sinful nature still abides in us regardless of how mature we become as Christians? 

After all, isn’t the reason we are ministered to so heavily via the Bible BECAUSE of the existence of our sinful nature. 

“Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” -  Romans 7:20

“The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” – Galatians 6:8

I was thinking recently, how many of us are secure enough in who we are in Christ to be honest about who we are without Him?   

In other words, how many of us conceal or misrepresent the existence of our sinful nature because we are not secure enough in Christ to point out God’s grace in our lives?  Could it be that the reason we struggle to open up about our sinful nature is because we are insecure about who we are in Christ?  If we were more secure in our new nature, might we testify more freely, since we are further removed from our sinful nature? 

Think of this for a second:  The very thing many of us get ashamed of (our innate proclivity to sin), is the very thing Jesus died for.  The very things we hide (our sins), were the very things Jesus took on in order to make a public spectacle of Satan! 

In essence, Jesus freed us from humiliation!  We can live in the Spirit and be free from humiliation.  Jesus delivered us from guilt and shame concerning our sinful nature!  He did so not only by dying on the cross for us, by also by transforming the way we regard our own humanity. 

“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.” – Galatians 5:24

I was thinking recently, “What should be my attitude towards myself concerning my sinful nature?” 

Should I be ashamed, hypocritical, and insecure because of my sinful nature? 

Towards the other end of the spectrum, should I be proud and self-esteemed, in spite of it? 

Scripture humbles me and lets me know that regardless of how mature I may ever think I am, my heart is naturally wicked (Jeremiah 17:9), I am naturally foolish (Titus 3:3), and I am born into a sinful nature (Psalm 51:5). 

One might be discouraged by such pronouncements against our humanity, but I have too many reasons not to be discouraged by the truth of God’s word.  Sometimes the toughest pill to swallow is our greatest remedy.  A message that utterly humbles us is such a pill, and allowing God to form a healthy self-image in us is such a remedy. 

I believe it is important to understand the power of your sinful nature, so you can contrast and distinguish it from Jesus’ holy nature.  This will help you understand your need for God’s grace, and the IMMENSE presence of God’s grace already at work in your life. 

Remember the perspective of the Apostle Paul, who declared himself the chief among sinners and spoke of the thorn in his flesh.  Paul was at peace with His inherent need for what Jesus brought.  Paul therefore humbly opened up his life to the Holy Spirit and the church, and was spiritually formed.  He was able to knowingly testify of God’s grace in his life, and of how the Spirit controlled his sinful nature. 

The reality is, we were intentionally created with a need for help.  This is a direct affront to our natural sense of independence.  Growing up, we may have been taught that we should strive to be independent and that we should keep our struggles to ourselves.  But, we were not created to be independent.  We were created to do as Proverbs 3:5-6 says:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not in your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.” 

Furthermore, we were created not to live alone, but in community with others (Gen. 2:18; Acts 2:42-47). 

When people are insecure about their sinful nature being uncovered, they hide certain parts or all of themselves just as Adam and Eve did when they covered themselves with fig leaves after they sinned.  Since we are sinners saved by grace, if we want to think highly of ourselves or want others to think highly of us, then we have no other choice but to go to great lengths to conceal the existence of this nature.   

If we were secure in all situations, we would bare all and have nothing to hide.  An example of this in my life is that friends whom I wholeheartedly trust make me feel secure enough to share with them the not so lovely parts of my life.  When we are secure, we do not hide our humanity. 

God wants to make us more secure about who we are in Him so we will testify freely about His grace in our lives.  Someone needs you to walk in victory, and someone needs to hear your testimony!  God hasn’t called us to be insecure about our sinful nature.  He has called us to be new creations full of His Spirit, aware of our limitations, and unafraid of testifying about His grace! 

“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” – Romans 8:1

I want to encourage you not to be the least bit insecure about your sinful shortcomings.  You are washed with the efficacious blood of Jesus, and you have been given the Holy Spirit. 

Walk in the Spirit, crucify the flesh, and be unashamed.  Victory is yours.  You are a new creation and a child of God. 

Live the Life.

This is our testimony.

When Shelita and I first met, it was like puppy love. She was 15. I was 17. We met at a Christian youth conference in Maryland. We spent a few days around each other, then kept in touch across hundreds of miles via snail mail and long-distance phone calls (the kind that used to run up your phone bill). I was going into my freshman year at the University of Massachusetts. She was about to start her sophomore year at South Lakes High school in Reston, VA. It wasn’t the ideal arrangement for a relationship. We were at 2 different stages in life, and very far away from each other. Nonetheless, we both saw something worth investing in. We saw great potential in each other. So, we developed a friendship, with the hope that someday we might have an opportunity to be closer to each other. Nine months after we met, I spent my Spring break visiting with Shelita and her family in VA. I fell in love. I saw my wife in her.

It just wasn’t our time though. Although she had strong feelings for me too, she wasn’t ready yet to be in such a serious relationship. After all, she was a high school sophomore. We agreed to stay friends.

After visiting Shelita during Spring break, I was determined to wait a couple years for her to finish high school and for circumstances to allow us to be together. My hope was that she’d attend college in Boston. Instead, she followed a basketball scholarship to Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA.

Over the next 9 years, we continued to go our separate ways, but never forgot what we felt early on. We checked in with each other from time to time, shared some holidays & breaks, and wondered if we’d ever become a couple. We explored relationships with those closer to us, grew apart at times, then got back in touch.

It was a painful process.

Along the way, we matured at very different rates and in very different ways. A few years after meeting each other, we still saw great potential in each other, but knew that we’d become quite different. Our lifestyles were different. Our standards were different. Our way of thinking was different. We weren’t ready for each other, and we were on a path to potentially continue to grow apart.

Most importantly, we were not on the same page spiritually.

In 2005, we realized this difference greatly when we decided to finally, after 9 years of friendship, enter into a relationship. I moved from California to Virginia, with the hope of resolving our relationship once and for all. Our hopes were for bliss, but instead, we experienced great frustration. Although we’d grown enough spiritually to convince ourselves we were ready to be in a relationship, we weren’t where we needed to be in order to succeed as a couple. A year and a half later, I left VA without Shelita, and returned home to Boston.

And, here I am…back in VA. To make a long story short(er), we stayed in touch after I moved to Boston, worked out our key differences, got engaged in August 2007, and were married on August 30, 2008.

I write all of that to get to this very important part:

By God’s grace, and I really, really mean by God’s grace, the past year has been a great fulfillment of what we envisioned so long ago. There’s much credit to be given, and God gets it all. Without Christ, we would be two sinners relying upon the wisdom of this age and the integrity of our sinful nature. With Christ, we’re two sinners saved by grace, and growing in grace. Marital success is not given. Prosperity is not given. The Kingdom of God is not given. Let me explain this quickly. When scripture speaks of the Kingdom of God, it doesn’t just speak about Heaven. It also speaks of the atmosphere, lifestyle, & culture God wants to establish here on earth. Scripture says the Kingdom suffers violence, and the violent take it by force. The Kingdom of God is like a treasure hidden in a field. Therefore, we must possess the Kingdom, and the mindset, attitude, and habits which lead to the blessings of the Kingdom. What’s freely given to us from above is faith (Ephesians 2:8-10)…faith that we must exercise and build in order to more fully possess the Kingdom here on earth. This faith comes by the grace of God.  It’s a faith that opens our eyes to the Kingdom around us.  Thank God for this faith!

As I look back over the past year, I can’t help but thank God for the growth we’ve experienced. In the words of the Apostle Paul, “In everything, give thanks.”

Believe me when I say that Shelita has made it quite easy for me to give thanks. She has brightened up my world through her consistent and growing expression of love. She’s enhanced who I am through her ability to tactfully communicate truth and perspective. She’s my closest and best friend.

As we celebrate a year together, we celebrate Christ, and we celebrate each other.

What a wonderful first year. The best is yet to come!

Live the Life.

When I was 10 years old, my parents asked me how I’d feel if they had another child.  Being an only child, I gladly welcomed the thought of having a brother or sister.  After all, I was a pretty lonely kid.   I attended private school 45 min. from home, lived nowhere near any of my school friends, and wasn’t allowed to play with most of the kids in our neighborhood since we lived next to the projects.   I was sheltered.   If it wasn’t for the boys & girls club, I don’t know who I’d be!   Around that time, besides asking me how I’d feel if they had another child, my parents told me they were looking for a larger home, within 10 min. from my school.  I’d get to live closer to my friends!  My hopes were up! 

What seems like a few months later, my parents separated, then got a divorce a couple years later.  They’d been married for 17 years.   From that point on, I was primarily raised by my mother. 

The family expansion never happened.  Instead, the family fracture did. 

Before the separation, there was much tension in our home.   Simply put, mom and dad didn’t get along much of the time. 

The tension affected me greatly.  As a young child, I was well known for my rebellious behavior & volatile temper.  In 4^th grade, I started so many fights during recess that I was banned from it midway through the year, and spent the remainder of the year “incarcerated” in the principal’s office!  I sometimes wonder what would have become of me had some changes not been made! 

Immediately following my parent’s separation, my temperament mellowed out immensely, and I no longer got into fights.   I’m convinced that a peaceful home led to a more peaceful spirit in me.  

In my adult life, I’ve spent much time reflecting upon other ways that my parents’ marriage and divorce affected me:

1)       I cringe when I see couples arguing in public.   It’s like nails on a chalkboard. 

2)      I abhor unresolved tension within my interpersonal relationships.  By God’s grace, I’ve learned how to patiently, & respectfully resolve conflicts. 

3)      I’ve identified one of my greatest fears, if not my greatest, as the fear of abandonment. 

4)      I place extremely high value on God’s unconditional love.  I strive to love as He loves me. 

5)      I place extremely high value on marital harmony and success.   I know the opposite well enough to despise it.  

The net result is someone who chooses to get along, forgive, and prioritize enduring relationships over other things in life.  

Along the way, I’ve learned that tension is ok as long as you are confident it can be resolved.  Abandonment is survivable if you can have a relationship with a God who will never leave you nor forsake you.  Marital harmony and success are attainable, especially if you learn how to seek and rely on the empowerment of the Holy Spirit. 

I’m about to get real open in this here blog.  In my adult life, I’ve cried many times over my parents’ divorce.  I’ve cried because:

1)       I know my dad wanted to be closer to me than he was able to be after the divorce.  This hurt him deeply.  I saw how awkward and painful it was for him to accept the effects of the divorce, including things like seeing me only every other weekend. 

2)      I’ve often longed for a closer relationship with my dad.  The divorce made it more difficult for me to learn things I would  have like to have learned from him.  There have been times I’ve envied the experience of men who were close enough to their fathers to learn much from them.  

3)      There is a sense of stability you feel when your parents are together and happy.  There’s usually a stronger support system.  There are more people to whom you feel you are accountable. 

At the end of the day, I’ve learned to trust in God’s sovereignty.  This means that no matter what hand I’m dealt in life, I trust that God is not out of control and looking for a solution, but in control and able to guide me through the storms.  Many others have been dealt a much worse hand than me.   There are far more tragic cases than mine.   If you’re one of these cases, trust in the God who said in Romans 8:28,

“And we know all things work together for the good, to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.” 

Rest in the promises of His Word.  Even the darkest and most painful situations can set the stage for God’s glory to be revealed.  Always remember Romans 8:18 which says,

“The sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” 

Behind the scenes, God is weaving blessings together for those who love Him, and are His.  For instance, in spite of the hand I was dealt, by God’s grace, I’ve gained much wisdom over the years from God’s Word concerning relationships.  Although my parents divorced, I feel empowered for a successful  & God-centered marriage. 

I’m curious to hear from someone who has felt the effects of divorce.  How has it affected you?  How has God’s grace helped you overcome? 

Live the Life.

This scripture was written to the nation of Israel who had been wandering in the desert for 40 years. It describes the conditions set for possessing their promised land. “Doing what was right and good in God’s sight” was their missing link. “Thrusting out all [their] enemies” was also a prerequisite.

In the sports world, a journeyman athlete is someone who over the course of his/her career is a member of many teams. A journeyman is not usually an elite athlete. Instead, he/she is signed to short-term contracts or is traded often because he/she is not productive or valuable enough to merit sticking around & being signed to a long-term contract. Very rarely do you find a journeyman by choice.

In my adult life, I feel very much like a journeyman, but only in the sense that I’ve moved around a lot. My transitions have all been by choice, meaning I’ve never been asked to leave. In college, I attended UMass for 2 years then transferred to Tufts University for my final 2 years. Since 2002, I’ve moved from Boston to live in California for 3 years, then to Virginia for 1.5 years, then back to Boston for 1.5 years, then back to Virginia where I’ve been for almost a year. With all the geographical movement, since 1996 I’ve been a member/have served at many churches including: Pentecostal Tabernacle (5 years), Jubilee Church (1.5 years), Pasadena Church of God (1 year), Faithful Central Church (1 year), Montrose Community Church (1 year), Heritage Fellowship Church (1.5 years), back to Pentecostal Tabernacle (1.5 years), and now Grace Covenant Church (where I’ve been for almost a year).

Anyone who knows me well knows that ever since around the spring semester of my freshman year in college God & the church have been central parts of my life. In my travels, I’ve had the opportunity to make many great friends within the various communities I’ve been a part of. While I treasure the many close friendships I’ve formed, I feel great remorse at not being able to experience life closer to so many people with whom I wish I could.

I recall feverishly studying what the Bible had to say about love when I was a junior in college. I read books and listened to topical sermons about agape, God’s love – the highest form of love. Around that time in my life, I remember determining to love people with the love of God. I wanted to impart the love of God to each person I got to know. As I opened up my heart to love others, God poured his love into my heart with greater measure.

As I sit back and write this blog, I can’t help but think of the many people I know whom I strive to love. There are people you meet in life and strive to love, but then there are those friends with whom you form a bond of love. These are the people who walk with you and war with you even when they are hundreds of miles away.

In recent years, there have been moments when I’ve regretted all the movement. I’ve wondered “how much further I would be” if I’d stayed in one place. I’ve thought about some of the stronger relationships I would have formed. I’ve thought about some of the opportunities I’ve passed up, believing that God had something else for me. But, then I pause & realize that what I build means nothing compared to who I am. And, I have to trust in God’s sovereignty. God’s sovereign hand has a way of building you up in character in preparation for the work He is calling you to do. God is not as interested in your head, your hands, and your feet, as He is your heart. Although some might commend me for my heart, I am comfortable with the thought that God is still shaping my character in a major way. I will always believe this.

My testimony is that I feel settled in that I’m more concerned with building my character than achieving any other ambition of mine. Thus, even when I’m in transition, I can always be building. Thus, even when I’m not doing what I’d like to be doing, I’m at peace with God’s process of character development. “He must be up to wanting to form something within me,” I’ve come to tell myself.

Are you in a journey of some kind right now? Where are you hoping to arrive? What are you hoping to build? Along the path of your journey, I encourage you to prioritize growing in character.

Like for Israel, what righteousness and goodness is God looking to form in you? What enemies need to be thrust out?

Lastly, remember Jeremiah 29:11 which says, “God knows the plans He has for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.”

Aren’t you glad that God is not trying to figure out plans on how to prosper you? The plans are already set. And, they are plans to prosper you.

Therefore even while you’re in transition, expect God to prosper you. Expect His highest and best. Expect His grace in your life.

Live the life.

The reason for my hiding is simple. I know where God is preparing me to go with this blog. For the past month, every time I’ve considered writing a post, I’ve heard God say to me, “Expound upon your testimony.” In other words, “Open up more. Let them see the not so glorious facets of your past. Let them see My light which came in and made you shine. Let them understand My grace in your life in greater measure.”

Hence, over the next several blog posts, I will be expounding upon many of the various ways God has loved me, healed me, & strengthened me…all in spite of myself. Hopefully some of you will identify with my struggle, and turn your faith to God for the working of your own testimony.

I’ll begin with the story of my mother. If you’ve ever been hurt by or in the church, you will identify with this story.

On my mother’s side of the family, there are 5 generations of pastors & missionaries. My grandmother, for instance, grew up in Japan as the child of missionaries to that nation. She married my grandfather, who was a pastor in the Methodist church. Although my mother grew up in the home of Christian leaders, she was confronted with very painful experiences in the church that shattered the foundations of her faith, and caused her to abandon the faith entirely during her early adult life. Because of this, I was not raised in church, was not raised in biblical knowledge. The shattering of her faith greatly impacted my life.

My life is a testimony to the grace of God. This is greatly reflected in my mother’s testimony. Not only did she come back to God and get born again during my senior year in high school, but she brought me into the church, and strongly encouraged my faith. She’s now a deacon in her church, oversees the counseling ministry there, and is currently pursuing a Master of Divinity & Masters in Social Work at Boston University School of Theology.

I mentioned that she encouraged my faith. I am so grateful for the faith that I now possess, and do not want to even imagine where my life would be without it. My faith is ultimately a gift from God, who has brought me into relationship with Himself. Within that relationship, He has poured out His Spirit upon my life, & fundamentally transformed who I am & what I live for. If I die tomorrow, I’ll be joined with Him. If I live tomorrow, I live with Him. This is the profession of my faith. Either way, I’m in TOTAL peace.

Ever been hurt in church? Ever temporarily abandon your faith? God can heal you like he did my mother. He can build faith where there was pain and doubt, and raise you up a as a witness of His love & power. He wants to use you to touch not just lives, but generations.

There are generations waiting for and looking to you.

Live the life.

If you’ve ever judged, criticized, or complained, unless you are as holy as God is, you join me in God’s school for the hypocrite.

Towards the end of Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, Jesus condemns those of us who judge others before first judging themselves.

If you’re unfamiliar with this passage, Matthew 7:1-5 says, “Do not judge lest you be judged.  For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.  And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

Because I know I am not perfect, and far from it, I know that there is a log in my eye. The Greek word for log in this text is the word “dokos.”  It describes not merely a branch, or plank, but a crossbeam on which planks lie in a house.

Jesus said to focus on ourselves FIRST.  He also said we can’t see clearly until we do.  We are in no position to judge until we first judge ourselves.

If you had an actual crossbeam in your eye, it would be hard to miss that. You would not be able to see out of that eye.  “What about my other eye”, you might argue.  “Wouldn’t I be able to see out of that eye?”  Jesus said you would not be able to “see clearly” (v. 5).

Somehow we can see a speck in our brother’s eye, but we can’t see our crossbeam.

It takes the Word and the Holy Spirit telling us we have a crossbeam in our eye in order for us to recognize that we have a problem.

Jesus tells us that every time we are about to judge, criticize, or complain WE have a crossbeam compared to THEIR speck.  The question is not whether or not we have a crossbeam.

The question is whether or not we humbly recognize our crossbeam.

To recognize your crossbeam is to take the first step towards removing it.

Before you can see clearly enough to remove your brother’s speck, you must first remove your crossbeam. After you’ve recognized your crossbeam, remove it.  Make sure that it is completely out of your eye.

Only then will you see clearly enough to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Lastly, I find it interesting that Jesus encourages us to remove the speck from our brother’s eye. Why not just tell our brother he has a speck, and tell him to remove it?  Instead, Jesus encourages us to get close to our brother, gain enough of his trust, then lovingly remove the speck from his eye.

But first, you must remove your crossbeam.

Live the life.